She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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