the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
