I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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