chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
