My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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