The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
