I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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