Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
