i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
