Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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