I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
