you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
