did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
