I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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