I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
