he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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