I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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