how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
