Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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