If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
