oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
