Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The uberlube is also flammable
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
