I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
