Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
