woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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