mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
