Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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