Having a random hookup so left but love u
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
