I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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