i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
