I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
