Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
