Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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