tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
