I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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