...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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