the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
