I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Randomize
