someone threw a dead crab at me
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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