Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
