nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
