so let's talk penis.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
