My liver just broke up with me...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
There's always time for handjobs
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
