I'm jealous of your bromance
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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