Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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