I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
