Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
