I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
