I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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