dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
people are starting to question the shark bite story
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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